Lucé Tomlin-Brenner

Posts tagged movies

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The Chrome Clit Awards: Because Gold Men Are Out of Touch

Welcome to the 2nd Annual Chrome Clit Awards where I vibrate with love over the best under appreciated films of the year, and I rub out the films that make me woozy with disdain.

The Chrome Clit Awards are unique in that they acknowledge woman are hiking up their skirts and making films these days. Who knows how they manage to keep their tampon strings from getting tangled up in the gears, or how they can focus on getting a good tight angle when DSW is having a sale on ahmazing boots (so cute). Whether they’ve prayed to some lesbian pagan goddess or they’re just paying regular dues to Feminazi International, woman have somehow managed to become successful filmmakers, and the Chrome Clits think that deserves some recognition.

While the Chrome Clits puts an emphasis on honoring films with women at the helm, whether they are acting, writing, directing or have accomplished the almighty trifecta, the Clits are also rooting for those lovable movie men, despite their all around dudeliness in storytelling and/or their acceptance into the Hollywood cool club. Because when the credits roll, all the Clits are thinking about is whether they enjoyed the climax, or in the case of The Master, whether the exceptional experience made up for the lack of release.

The Clits watched 64 films that were released or distributed in America in 2012 and loved half of them. Before we honor those celluloid heroes, I’d like to note the films I was not able to see, although I wanted to, so they were not in the final running.

The Clits Missed Out:
About Cherry, Cabin in the Woods, Chronicle, The Color Wheel, The Comedy, Detropia, End of Watch, Farewell My Queen, Haywire, Holy Motors, How To Survive a Plague, The Imposter, Jack and Diane, Keep the Lights On, Kid With a Bike, Klown, Last Quartet, Life of Pi, Les Mis, Little Birds, Loneliest Planet, Middle of Nowhere, Nobody Walks, On the Road, Only the Young, The Oranges, Oslo August 31st, Pink Ribbon Inc, Premium Rush, Return, Robot & Frank, Save the Date, Sister, Skyfall, Smashed, Starlet, This Is Not a Film, Where Do We Go Now?, Wreck It Ralph, Wuthering Heights, Zero Dark Thirty

Because The Clits is an alternative to The Oscars, celebrating the ignored yet brilliant films made by ladies and oddball men, I’m not spending much time talking about the films nominated for Best Picture because they are already getting mega exposure. That being said here are the top three titles that please The Clits, and tonight we should be rooting for them to win everything, but they won’t: Amour, Beasts of the Southern Wild, and Silver Linings Playbook.

Now, Without Further Ado, The Nominees, Losers & Winners!

Read more …

Filed under The Chrome Clits film filmmaker indie cinema indie film movie movies feminism feminist feminist activism feminist comedy feminist film Badass Women Trust Women Women in comedy funny women women in film Oscars AcademyAwards Awards

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2012: Year of the girl hero. Too bad Kill Bill Vol 3 won’t be released this summer. I have been getting awfully choked up at the theater lately thanks to all these mainstream blockbusters about girls kicking ass. The success of these films (Brave just made 66 million this weekend) makes me hopeful that we will see better representation of girls and women in film sooner rather than later…or never.
"We don’t all need to be stuntwomen or Samurai—but we do need to have the option of feeling powerful, skilled, and able to protect one’s self. And we deserve to see images of us doing just that."- Jennifer K. Stuller 
Summer archery classes never looked so fun. 

2012: Year of the girl hero. Too bad Kill Bill Vol 3 won’t be released this summer. I have been getting awfully choked up at the theater lately thanks to all these mainstream blockbusters about girls kicking ass. The success of these films (Brave just made 66 million this weekend) makes me hopeful that we will see better representation of girls and women in film sooner rather than later…or never.

"We don’t all need to be stuntwomen or Samurai—but we do need to have the option of feeling powerful, skilled, and able to protect one’s self. And we deserve to see images of us doing just that."
- Jennifer K. Stuller

Summer archery classes never looked so fun. 

Filed under girls Heroes kicking ass brave hunger games snow white movies summer blockbusters theater archery inspiration

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WTF is this video?! None of these words make sense together and also the label on the front says silent? This is some Videodrome shit right here. #movies #videos #vhs #wtf #1980s  (Taken with Instagram at Video Americain - Takoma Park)

WTF is this video?! None of these words make sense together and also the label on the front says silent? This is some Videodrome shit right here. #movies #videos #vhs #wtf #1980s (Taken with Instagram at Video Americain - Takoma Park)

Filed under wtf movies 1980s vhs videos

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The Chrome Clit Awards, Because I’m Sick of Naked Gold Men

The Chrome Clits are here to rain lady goodness down on the best and worst movies of the year as decided by a hyperbolic gush tart. I am way more qualified than the Academy to decide what’s best from the film world because I am in no way involved in the film world, except for in the best way, I have managed or clerked at various video stores for about a decade, thus I have watched everything. Minus Hostel and the likes. But everything else, yeah I saw it. So I’ve got perspective. Also I’ve got tits and a vag hole which means I see things a little differently than the MEN WHO RUN EVERYTHING (MWRE). These attributes help me appreciate the subtle anxious nuances of Kristen Wiig’s Annie from Bridesmaids and Vera Farmiga’s struggle with faith, womanhood, and autonomy as Corinne in Higher Ground. I would say you don’t need to be a woman to appreciate strong women centric scripts and characters or films directed by a woman, but the MWRE are making a compelling argument that womanhood makes a big difference.
 

The Chrome Clits would like to recognize the following as the Best 10 films of 2011. Every title is organized in painstaking order. The Clits took into account the representation of women at every stage of production, but lack of women or strong women characters did not disqualify them from top honors. 

1. Bridesmaids - written by, starring women, all women on promo art

So fucking funny, authentic, and identifiable. The best movie on female relationships EVER. I could write more, but then I’d never stop. You know how much I love this movie. You know.


2. Martha Marcy May Marlene - starring women, woman featured on promo art

Best movie ever made about the effects of trauma on both the victim and the family. Haunting and creepy right up until the credits roll. I looked over my shoulder for weeks after seeing this movie. Also, can you ever get enough about cults? I can’t. I fucking love films about cults. *Spoiler Alert/Trigger Warning* There’s a bit of rape in the film, it is obvious when it is going to happen and it is not violent, though still difficult to sit through. It’s important to note that it is integral to the film, however, and it doesn’t feel voyeuristic. 


3. Shame - compelling woman character

Another excellent film about the effects of abuse, and an interesting study on how genders process trauma differently. I loved loved loved this movie and I think it is flawless. There is no line of dialogue, no camera angle, no movement without purpose. Every single minimalist detail of this movie hints to the tragedy the main characters suffered through as children and highlights in glaring detail what living silently and alone with this pain has done to them as adults. There’s lots of dirty and sad explicit sex, but don’t be squeamish, it has much purpose. 


4. Pariah - directed, written by, starring women, woman featured on promo art

A movie about black people who aren’t servants or related to Tyler Perry! Because there’s no point in this movie during which it is appropriate to free yourself of white guilt, it has been completely ignored by mainstream awards ceremonies. It’s a shame that it isn’t getting more recognition because Pariah is a refreshingly new and poignant story about sexuality, race, class, expectations about representation and success and what it means to claim love and autonomy as a teenager. I guarantee you’ve never seen a movie like this, it will simultaneously break your heart and give you hope for the future. Great for those who want to see complexity beyond “It Gets Better.”


5. Another Earth - written by, starring a woman, woman featured on promo art

Some people hated this film? I boggles my mind as I found it a beautiful, clever, and breathtaking analysis of regret. Also it is the story of a flawed brilliant young woman who loves SCIENCE. SHE LOVES SCIENCE. And she makes a really horrible mistake and then a series of questionable decisions all because she is steeped in remorse. Now throw in parallel universes, minimal dialogue, gauzy dreamlike cinematography, and a blunt killer ending and, fuck you haters, this movie is phenomenal.


6. Higher Ground - directed, written by, starring women, woman featured on promo art 

Vera Farmiga’s directing debut, she also stars in this film about a woman who struggles with her sense of self within a very serious almost cult-like religious community that does not value women’s spiritual ideas. There are lots of feminist undertones in this movie, though, I found it refreshing that it is neither pro nor anti religion, rather it takes you alongside the main character’s confusing journey as she tries to establish spiritual autonomy.


7. Young Adult - written by, starring a woman, woman featured on promo art

One of the first movies with a true female anti-hero (although Bad Teacher has a great one, too). I love everything about Diablo Cody’s tragic, alcoholic, arrogant, Mavis Gary. I think this is one of the biggest Oscar snubs this year and would have loved to see Charlize nominated for Best Actress, Patton nominated for Best Supporting Actor, and Diablo nominated for Best Original Screenplay. I have seen very few movies where the lead character has little to no redemption in the end despite many opportunities to redeem. And when that character is a woman! Holy cats! In Hollywood, women are never allowed to be everything that Mavis Gary embodies on screen and it is refreshing to watch each misguided step towards perceived happiness and listen to her cries for help, despite how selfish they can be. Ultimately, this is a sad story because Mavis does need help and she’s likely never to get it because she’s never been empowered to recognize her problems and how to solve them. This is another success for the film, though, as it has authentically captured a very real person in all of our lives. We wish we could help, but they make it so difficult that, in the end, all we can do is watch them sabotage themselves. 


8. Beginners - compelling woman character, woman featured on promo art with men

This movie is sweet and honest in its examination of love, pain, and acceptance. It also has a super cute dog, for those of you smitten with The Artist’s Uggie. The story is based on the writer/director’s life and relationship with his father who came out as gay in his 70s.  If you are curious about whether or not you are an android, not liking this movie is a sure fire way to get retired by Rick Deckard. 


9. The Descendants - compelling/strong young woman character 

I got married recently, so I cried the entire way through this movie about a man who loses his wife, not only to a fatal coma, but also to an affair that he finds out about once his wife has lost consciousness. There’s a lot of interesting lessons about control, power, and when to say when. Plus there are some fab performances from Shailene Woodley, Judy Greer, and Matthew Lillard (who I have always believed to be a great talent). I love Alexander Payne, and this is one of his best, I’m rooting for him at the Oscars for sure.

10. Take Shelter - women were present and well written although not featured strongly

This is the first big time movie that was filmed in and around my hometown so I love it, natch. But it also has great symbolism about the economic crisis and the war on the middle class. Plus it stars Michael Shannon, who I’ve harbored a creepy crush on since his turn as the nutzo house guest in Revolutionary Road. He plays a man that keeps having visions of storms, swarms, and home invasions that seem like they are really happening, but maybe it’s just that pesky schizophrenia that runs in his family. How can a man protect his family when the threat is so unclear? What’s really happening here anyways? Kudos to the writer/director for an ambiguous ending that mirrors our fears so accurately. 


The Clits would like to extend an honorable mention to these 10 films that were also outrageously loved by the reviewer, but did not eek into the top honors due to overexposure, lack of ability to stand the test of time, too sad, too goofy, or were directed by Woody Allen. The Clits apologize for a lack of lovingly crafted descriptions for the honorable mentions, but ask that you understand that they are feeling sleepy. 

1. The Artist - compelling/fun woman character, woman featured on promo art with a man


2. My Week With Marilyn - starring a woman, woman featured on promo art


3. The Future - directed, written by, starring a woman, woman featured on promo art


4. Hugo - compelling/fun/adventurous young woman character


5. Midnight In Paris - women were present, a few were interesting, a few were flat


6. Tomboy - directed, written by, starring women, young woman featured on promo art


7. Source Code - two supporting women characters, one strong, one flat


8. Sarah’s Key - starring women, all women on promo art


9. The Muppets - great woman character/muppets(s), woman featured on promo art with a man

and muppets!


10. Bad Teacher - starring women, woman featured on promo art


So those are the best movies of the year. What about the worst? Due to The Clits overwhelming adoration of everything celluloid, the worst list is only 5 long. Since my default setting is love, it’s really hard to make me hate you, so you can be assured that these pictures fucking stink like dead rats swaddled in dried cum socks stuffed into your high school gym bag.

1. One Day - The only thing worse than Anne Hathaway’s British accent is every line of dialogue in the film.

 
2. My Idiot Brother - The twist is that Paul Rudd’s character is actually way smarter than his 3 stupid and shitty sisters who range from quirky idiot, to selfish idiot, to shrewy idiot. The biggest waste of talent I’ve ever seen.

 
3. Larry Crowne - It’s hard to try enjoy watching a film when the actors clearly hate performing in it. Forget phoning it in, I’m pretty sure those were just holograms of Julia Roberts and Tom Hanks. What was it about? College classes, being middled aged and a scooter. Are you bored yet?

 
4. I Don’t Know How She Does It - Should be what we say about SJP’s career. Clearly a comic talent and strong voice, I am regularly saddened by Ms. Parker’s penchant for bad scripts. IDKHSDI certainly being the worst lady centric garbage I’ve ever seen. This one hits every female stereotype while condescendingly patting us on the head for triumphing against adversity. It was written by women, produced by a woman and directed by a man, so the blame seems to be gender neutral although, in the end, I bet the studios fucked it the hardest. There are some interesting nuggets in there beneath the compacted shit, and the cast would be great if they got to muse and confer with a better chunk of dialogue. I’d love to see this similar idea with the indie film treatment and helmed by Nicole Holofcener. As I watched IDKHSDI, I couldn’t help but wonder, if all working moms played it as safe as this film, would we be as dumb as Hollywood thinks that we are?

 
5. The Ides of March (with a bullet) - I fucking hate this film. I went in with high expectations (amateur move) and googly eyes for Ryan Gosling and George Clooney (so weak). I left ready to donate the remaining 20 bucks in my bank account to the DC Abortion Fund/NARAL/Planned Parenthood in honor of yet another critically acclaimed movie fucking over women and confusing everyone about abortion. I could rant forever about this, but instead I’ll just say they killed off the only semi interesting female character in a stupid unrealistic way to further the plot of boring ass powerful dudes while saying absolutely nothing new or interesting about politics or campaigns. BTW abortions make you sad, don’t get one, or you might kill yourself with the loads of painkillers you get to alleviate you from this excruciating outpatient procedure, Signed MWRE .

There are many more categories The Clits would like to recognize, but due to lack of time, organization, and monetary backing they had to scale back this year. As always, though, they have high hopes for the future. Many thanks go to Angie Pohlman for the moniker, to my friends who encouraged my addiction, and my job for all the free movies. I couldn’t have done it without any of you! Enjoy hating on the Oscars tonight, I know I will. GO MELISSA MCCARTHY!

Filed under comedy comedian funnyladies movies film Oscars AcademyAwards Awards feminism women The Chrome Clits